The Hardest Questions
by Nottoca
Summary: Mustang, in disguise, goes to Riza’s apartment for answers to a couple of his questions. I hate summaries. Mangaverse post ch.63. Royai, Roy x Riza, lemon.
1. Chapter 1

i hate summaries and titles cause i can't think of names or descriptions (yet i still write...) and because i apparently like to write as much as i like to talk, this nice, short 2 page lemon writing exercise turned into a 20pg behemoth. i did manage to write the lemon (barely) but i'm not sure about posting it on FanFic . net. i will definitely post it on the other sites (see my profile). seeing as the lemon isn't until later, opinions on posting are welcome.

i also tried to throw in some angst but, as i've said before, i have trouble distinguishing the fine line between angst and just plain over-dramatics.

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It had been an especially long day; Riza may have only worked for 8 hours but it felt like an eternity. She'd had shorter days when she stayed late into the evening at the office assisting Mustang, trying to get him to complete his paperwork. At least then she was comfortable with the person in command. With King Bradley, it was hard to know where she stood; after all, she knew he was a homunculus and that made it difficult to give him the proper respect demanded by the military. Especially since she also knew some of the things he had done. Her new duties consisted of answering the telephone and directing the call to the correct officer. Of course all the calls came at the same time – meaning it was either impossibly busy or mind-numbingly boring. As one of the best snipers in the service, she had been unofficially demoted to an average telephone operator. The choice of her new duties wasn't done to annoy her colonel, this was directed solely at her. The colonel was punished by having his staff taken away and she was punished by being assigned to worthless tasks. Not to mention Black Hayate had been banned from the office as being an unprofessional distraction. The only way it could be worse was if she was now reporting to a junior officer, so it was only a matter of time before that happened. 

Closing the front door behind her, Riza unclipped Black Hayate's leash, hanging it and her coat on the coat rack by the door. Walking him calmed her frustrations a bit. Not nearly enough but a little bit. Once Black Hayate's dinner was prepared and served, she turned to her refrigerator to see what she had for herself. The fridge was, as usual, mostly empty and what was there probably wasn't safe to eat. In the cupboard she found a can of mixed vegetables and a can of tomato soup; mixed together they would be… well, edible. Maybe she had some crackers around. The other option involved tinned meat that had been following her for the past 5 years. It was one of those last resort foods that you kept until an emergency and the only time it would be used was if your only options to prevent starvation were eating the tinned meat or chewing on your own arm. For just about any circumstances Riza could imagine, she would probably opt for the arm first. The meat reminded her too much of the fare in Ishbal.

Sitting at her table her eyes may have been looking at the two cans but her thoughts returned to the whereabouts of her comrades. Maes was gone, the pain still fresh knowing the jovial family-man's death was orchestrated by the leader of the country and her new direct CO. He may not have pulled the trigger, but he was still responsible. She remembered Elecia's last birthday; Maes had enjoyed it more than his daughter had and he had covered one entire wall of his office with all the pictures he had taken.

Everyday, Riza had to fight the overwhelming desire to kill the man who played a part in destroying her friend's family - watching him enter the office carefree and smiling while she struggled to keep her hands away from her weapons. In the effort to keep her guns holstered, the lives of a great number of pencils and pens were sacrificed daily, their broken pieces quickly dropped into her trashcan.

Falman, Furey and Breda had been sent to military installations on the edges of the country, not necessarily demoted but certain to have been given the worst jobs that could be found. Furey's tearful farewell to Black Hayate tugged at her heart and she had readily agreed he could come visit the pup whenever he was in town.

As for Havoc, the effects of physical injury could only be eclipsed by the mental damage he had sustained. Having the woman he was dating only use him for information had been bad enough, but severing his spinal cord and leaving him for dead caused some justifiable self doubt and trust issues. Recently, Riza hadn't been visiting Havoc as much as when he had been first injured. Seeing her, the same person she had always been walking around and physically fit only seemed to rub salt into his open wounds. But at least he wasn't alone. When first in the hospital, he had found support from Scieszka, who did volunteer work at the hospital. Now, she was one of the few people he would see. Scieszka really hadn't known Havoc well before his injury so she had little to compare the current man to, making her more accepting and supportive in his recovery than his co-workers who were still slightly uncomfortable in his presence. The girl also had an amazing amount of optimistic enthusiasm that she shared with those around her. According to Scieszka, his therapy was progressing but it would be a long time before he could ever walk again, if at all. But she was, of course, hopeful.

And as for herself, Riza sighed, as if telephone duty wasn't bad enough, she was tormented by knowing that she was now being used as a hostage to ensure the colonel's submission. Once she had been his protector but now she was just another secretary for King Bradley.

There was a knock on the door that drew her from her morose thoughts. Black Hayate rushed to the door, gave two sharp barks, and sat patiently waiting for Riza to come to see who it was. She wasn't expecting anyone so it was probably a salesman trying to sell her subscriptions to magazines she would never read or some other useless item that would get put into a box with the rest of her belongings. Peeking out the fish-eye in the door she saw a strange looking older woman with grey hair wearing the ugliest dress Riza'd ever seen. Her ankles wobbled unstably on high heeled shoes and in her hand she held a large canvas bag with a hideous purse covered in fake flowers peeking out of the top. With another knock on the door, the woman called out loudly. "Riza, darling, it's your Auntie Matilda. I was in town and just had to come visit my favorite niece! Open up Riza, darling…"

Riza paused and looked out the hole in the door again. She didn't have an Aunt Matilda but there was something very familiar about the woman. She raised her head as if she could look at Riza through the small hole in the door. "Open up, sweetheart…" the voice rang out. Something was still suspicious but the only way she would figure out why this woman knew who she was would be to open the door. Riza, weapon drawn, opened the door a crack and the figure took the opportunity to push through the door.

"Ah Riza darling, you _are_ at home! Give me a hug." Before Riza could prevent it, the woman had placed a large hand over her gun and pushed it aside before hugging her tightly. She was wearing an oddly familiar scent but Riza couldn't quite place it.

"Kindly don't shoot me, lieutenant, just let me in and I'll explain." A familiar voice whispered in her ear.

Riza's eyes widened with recognition but managed to carry on the conversation in case anyone in the hallway had overheard. "Why Aunt Matilda! You should have called before coming over." Her voice held a sharp edge but she made sure she spoke loudly enough to be overheard by anyone listening.

"I tried, but no one was home, dear." The woman said loudly while shutting the door. When she turned around, she dropped the canvas bag to the floor with a clunk. Riza stepped back and finally let out a soft laugh. With a sigh the old woman slipped out of the high heels.

"Sir, why are you here and what are you doing in that dress?" She was having a hard time trying to contain her laughter. The sight of her colonel standing before her in an absolutely hideous dress was enough to laugh at for the next week.

"I didn't phone because someone might be listening to your calls. The dress is a disguise." He smoothed the fabric around his waist and shook out the skirt.

Riza could no longer hold it in and laughed aloud. "Quite the disguise, sir. It is just a disguise, isn't it? It's not a life-style change?" The stooped figure straightened up and pulled off the wig. Now it was Roy standing in her living room wearing the ugly dress.

"No its not, so laugh while you can, lieutenant." He said. There was a small scowl on his face but he actually didn't mind hearing her laughing. It had been a long time since he had seen her laugh, or had even seen her smile and it was rather comforting.

"Where did you get that disguise? It's quite sexy, you know." Riza teased.

"An old friend loaned it to me. I thought it best in case either of us are being watched."

"I didn't know you dated women that old." Riza said with a mischievous gleam in her eye. "And your breasts are uneven." He looked down, taking a breast in each hand and adjusted them, sending Riza off on another round of soft laughter.

He didn't respond to her verbal bait about older women, he merely tossed the wig onto the coffee table. He glanced around to see that her apartment, like his, was still mostly packed in boxes. Identifying the kitchen, he picked up the canvas bag and carried it past the kitchen table over to the counter, Black Hayate following close on his heels.

"I will admit I was a bit worried lieutenant; I haven't seen you around the building this week." Riza, with a curious expression, followed him into the kitchen. "No one has shot at me or scolded me about getting my paperwork done for days and strangely enough, I believe I may have missed it."

"What are you doing, sir?" She asked, leaning against the door jamb watching him.

"I am making you dinner." He gestured to the cans on the counter. "If that was what you were planning on eating, I guess its good I came." From the canvas bag, he took out some fresh vegetables, a paper-wrapped package of meat and a bottle of wine, setting the contents by the two cans.

"And why are you making me dinner?"

"Like I said, I wanted to check up on you. And I haven't been shot at recently; maybe you could fire off a few rounds into the ceiling just to make me feel more comfortable."

On her walk past the kitchen table, Riza smiled and slipped out of her shoulder holster, setting it on the back of a kitchen chair. Roy turned his head to watch her bend over a box searching for glasses, enjoying her curves enhanced by civilian clothes. The thought of seeing her in a miniskirt only reinforced his desire to pass such a regulation. He turned around quickly so she didn't see him staring and resumed his search for a knife. She may have removed the shoulder holster, but she always had at least one more weapon hidden on her person. Just thinking where she would hide them had him drooling on the counter and he barely had time to wipe his lip before she was at the sink washing the glasses. Once they were dried with a dishtowel, she popped the cork on the wine and carefully filled them both. Setting one glass next to him, she leaned against the counter and sipped her own, studying the man in a dress.

The transfer had only gone through last week, but she already missed working with him, even though his avoidance of paperwork had driven her up the wall. He looked like he hadn't slept since then, dark smudges under his eyes and a weary attitude unconsciously displayed by stance and demeanor. That could also just be from the dress. His thick black hair was mussed from the wig, and she had to stop herself from reaching out her hand to straighten it. But it was still Roy, she smiled. Roy in a dress.

"You don't think I can look out for myself, do you?" She asked softly.

"If you were going to eat the stuff in those cans, then no I don't." Taking the wet veggies from the other side of the sink, Roy laid them on the cutting-board started chopping.

"

How does he cut the meat?

It was almost like he'd been there before

You should see the food I left in the cupboard." She said, her mind thinking of the tinned meat. Out of a box in the corner, she pulled an apron, snuck up behind him and wrapped her arms around him, settling the fabric it at his waist. Her hands brushed his bare arms and she jumped at the burning tingle running thru her body. Quickly pulling the ribbons to the back she tied them in a large bow and stepped away. She couldn't help but smile at the strange picture before her. But if that was what happened just touching him, she would need to keep more distance between them. If nothing other than to see how it felt, the urge to wrap her arms around him and rest her head on his back was a bit too strong; it was only the notion of how inappropriate such an action would be that prevented her from doing so. She didn't notice the slight hitch in his breath or how his muscles had contracted and his body tensed at her touch. "That wasn't what I meant. You don't think I'm able to look out for myself and that I need someone to protect me, don't you?" 

Breathing returning to normal, Roy smirked and glanced at her over his shoulder. "Riza, I think you are the most self-sufficient and competent person I've ever met. If anyone can look out for herself, I think it's you, but no one can keep watch around them 360 degrees 24 hours a day. It's just not possible and everyone needs someone to watch their back sometimes. I just wanted to check on you." He tried to sound casual. With a little rummaging he found a frying pan that he set on the burner of the stove. Dropping the cut meat into the pan, he unobtrusively slipped Black Hayate a small slice. The pan started to sizzle as he pushed the food around with a fork. She pulled seasoning containers from another cupboard and set them next to the stove. The sliced vegetables added were sending a wonderful aroma thru the air. Riza took the bread from the bag, pulled another knife from the drawer and sliced the fresh loaf. There was bitterness in her voice when she spoke next.

"I have become a telephone operator, sir. I could only _wish_ I had been shipped off like the others. He's using me against you and I hate it."

Roy sighed, his shoulders slumping. "He has the best sniper in the military and he's using her as a secretary." He paused. "Of course, so did I." She put glassware, plates and silverware on the table before filling a carafe with ice and water.

"No sir, you need my protection not to mention someone has to make sure you get your paperwork done. He's not even letting me do that." He brought the sizzling pan over to the table and carefully portioned out the steaming hot contents.

"It's not that I don't think you can't look out for yourself, but you are so close to that homunculus. Not only does he know my weaknesses, the man won't hesitate to use that knowledge and he has no qualms about killing people in his way." He set the pan in the sink, grabbed his wine and sat across from Riza.

"So what are you going to do next?"

"Next? I don't really know." His eyes watched her tongue slide over her lips, licking them clean of the wine.

"Sir, you always have a plan."

"I'm afraid this latest move caught me unawares." He smiled wryly. "I don't know what this 'father' is trying to do and I have no doubt that King Bradley is going to find another portion of the country to turn into another Ishbal. After all, there can never be too many philosophers stones, can there?" The sarcasm was heavy in tone. He 'accidentally' dropped a piece of green pepper to the floor. Hayate cautiously sniffed the slice, picked it up with his mouth and quickly spat it out again. Roy chuckled at the disgusted face Black Hayate turned to him. "Not a green pepper kind of dog, huh?"

"You are spoiling him, sir." Riza said as he picked up the pepper and set it on the edge of his plate. "Dogs do not get fed from the table."

Ignoring her, he continued. "I have heard Scar is going north and that Marcoh is with him. Fullmetal is up to something because he is going north as well. Falman is up there and he knows to find Fullmetal and watch over him. I'm also trying to contact some old allies but I'm not _exactly_ sure what my next move should be." Taking a bite from the bread she got a little butter on her finger. She proceeded to lick the butter her finger, distracting Roy from what she was saying.

"Old allies?" Riza asked and poured them both some more wine. His mind stalled momentarily, imagining what her mouth would feel like against his skin. His brain finally started working enough to reply.

"Ah… people who, while they never publicly supported me, have been willing to assist me from the sidelines."

"And?" Riza prodded. His eyes were now focused on the way her hand unconsciously stroked the stem of her wine glass. Delicate fingers sliding up and down over the glass made him, once again, think about what his body would feel like at her touch. Was she _trying_ to distract him or was it all unintentional?

"The reaction has been favorable." He pulled his gaze off her hand, refocusing on her face. "King Bradley, while the head of the military, will also need support from the higher officers if he plans to create another uprising. We need to get to those officers first and convince them I am the one to side with."

"How will you know who to approach? Surely there are officers who are not only currently aware of his intentions, but they approve of them and support him because of those intentions." Damn it, her hand was stroking the glass again. He had the overwhelming urge to stop her hand with his.

"Without Hughes's contact network I'll have to do my own research and poke around before approaching them. I managed to get a hold of some of his list of contacts and that should help."

"Sounds dangerous. Do you think you will be able to get their support?"

"I have no choice."

"With all of your subordinates spread across the nation, you will have secure contacts to be intermediaries – although the thought of Breda as your liaison between you and a General makes an interesting picture. He's a bit rough around the edges."

"They're military men, they can do it." He slipped Black Hayate another bite of meat."

"Sir…" she warned harshly.

"Couldn't help it."

"Of course you couldn't. That piece of food just accidentally fell from your hand into his mouth." He smirked as she continued speaking. "At least I can monitor his office from inside."

Roy smirk disappeared as he studied the woman sitting across the table. Now out of uniform and in civilian clothes, her hair was down, trailing over her shoulders in a golden wave. The button-down blouse she wore was a surprising light pink, a color he rarely associated with her and hadn't seen her wear in a long time. With the top few buttons unfastened it gave her a more feminine look along with a flash of cleavage that naturally drew Roy's eyes. The usual blue uniform did little to show off her trim figure and it was the moments he saw her in civilian clothes that he remembered what a stunningly beautiful woman she really was. Not to mention what nice cleavage she possessed.

But it was the look in her expressive eyes, eyes with that rare mix of deep red and brown, that pinned him like an insect to velvet backed display. The urge to squirm under her questioning gaze was difficult to control. As it was, he was unable to keep eye contact with her, his eyes darting back to his plate. He supposed it was about time they made it around to what he had really come here for; a subject he hated to even consider asking her. It would be the true test of their friendship and he wasn't sure either answer she could give was what he wanted. And he knew just asking would insult her. He sighed, steeled his stomach and returned her gaze.

"No, it won't be much use for you to spy on him in the office. He's already taken precautions so you won't see anything or he wouldn't have allowed you in there in the first place. Right now you are the main person…" he swallowed hard. "holding me back. He controls my actions with your life." As he said the words, the pained expression on her face was like a knife to his chest and the food on his plate lost its appeal. The expression on her face quickly disappeared behind her usual unexpressive mask when she realized he was watching her, but she couldn't hide the gut-wrenching pain in her eyes. He had struck her in the weakest part of her armor, one of less than a handful of weaknesses that she allowed for herself. Pointing out how she was now impeding his goal and that she had become a liability was the cruelest thing he could do to her.

They sat in silence for a moment while Riza struggled with her emotions. Her worst fear had come true and now that she could no longer protect her colonel, he had no further need of her and she would be left alone, her purpose unfulfilled. After her reaction to Lust's words the night Havoc was injured, she was sure that not even Roy could misunderstand how much she cared for him.

Roy sat and watched as the woman before him broke. There were no tears, there was no screaming, there was… nothing. Her head had lowered to stare at the salt and pepper shakers, looking at them but not really seeing what was there.

He hesitated before asking the next question. As it was he didn't have the strength to ask while she could still look up at him with those beautifully expressive eyes that, if he had caused them to tear he would never be able to forgive himself.

Rising from the table, he slipped Black Hayate the last piece of meat from his plate and walked over to stand in front of the sink. It was weak of him to not look at her, but no matter how he tried, he couldn't force himself to turn around to see her reaction to his next question. Turning on the water, he started mechanically scrubbing the frying pan and he finally asked her the difficult question that really brought him here tonight. "Would you consider leaving the military?"

She was silent for a moment. "I fail to see how that would help." Riza replied softly, her gaze still unfocused on the table. She took deep quiet breaths trying to calm herself. Not only had she failed her goal, he was now asking her to leave him. He had said she was more of a hindrance than a support and asked her to go away where he would never have to see her again.

"It would put my mind at ease. I can't protect you in your current location and I don't want you to get hurt because of my lust for power, Riza."

"So your solution is for me to leave the military..."

"Please." He asked, still scrubbing at a non-existent stain on the frying pan.

The moment she had shown him the array on her back she had decided to follow him to ensure she hadn't misplaced her trust. Part of that was also to protect him from harm, whether he wanted it or not. The thought of giving her life to save his was never a question to her, it was something that she always had and would continue to do for him. She took a deep breath and hardened her resolve.

"Then I refuse, sir." She brought her plate to the sink. "There is no way I will leave the military while King Bradley is still in office. I said I would support you and that's what I'll do."

"But what if the best way to help is by leaving?"

"I'm sorry sir, but I don't see it that way. What would you have me do if I leave the military?"

"…" Not knowing her reaction, he hadn't thought that far ahead. His mind scrambled for some excuse. "Stay safe?"

"That is unacceptable." Her scorn quite evident in her voice.

"And if I make it an order, lieutenant?"

"Then I will refuse to follow it."

He sighed and looked at the woman next to him. "Riza, he has a knife at your throat because of me. That… _thing_ won't hesitate to kill you if I try anything against him."

"I know that." Her voice was as strong and cold as steel.

"I can't continue with any plans because of that! Any mistake I make could cost you your life."

"But you will do it anyway. I trust you with my life and I'm willing to sacrifice it to get that creature out of the military."

"But I'm not! I don't want to lose you because of my dumb aspirations." His voice was getting louder, displaying more than just his own stubborn streak.

"Sir, the longer King Bradley is in office, the more people he will kill."

"I just want you to be safe."

"I understand that, but I won't change my mind. I knew when I entered the military my life would be in danger and I accepted it." He looked at the woman wiping the dishes and she returned his stare. He turned away from the look in her eyes. They had that look he hated so much, the look of jaded eyes that had seen too much pain in their short life. The eyes that remembered everything she'd seen and everything she'd done. They were killer's eyes. And she had them because of him. When he'd first heard of a person having 'killer's eyes' in Ishbal Roy had been appalled by such callous thoughts. But what really appalled him was that it was true. Those cold, dead, killer's eyes were staring at him because she had followed him through a war.

They quickly finished the dishes in an uncomfortable silence.

She wiped the last plate and put it in the cupboard while he watched her. "I guess there's nothing else to say then. There's nothing either of us can do to change the other's mind, is there?" he asked.

"I suppose not, sir."

Riza handed him the canvas bag from the counter, politely yet firmly shepherding him toward the door.

"It's not safe," he said over his shoulder.

In the blink of an eye, Riza had moved to stand before him holding a gun millimeters from the middle of his forehead. She'd removed her shoulder holster earlier, so she must have had the weapon hidden on her person. He hadn't even seen her move yet she now held the gun pointed at him. The question of where she had been hiding the weapon flashed through his mind.

"I can take care of myself, sir." Her voice said coldly.

He wanted brush the weapon aside but really didn't feel like upsetting the woman with a weapon held to his head, regardless of whether she had the safety on or off. Surely she wouldn't point a weapon at him without the safety on. Surely he hadn't hurt her pride that much. Or had he? He swallowed hard.

"So I can see." Roy kicked one of Hayate's chew toys and it clattered across the wood floor. Riza's eyes momentarily flicked toward the sound, but that gave him enough time to knock the gun aside, spin her around and hold her with an arm around her neck. "But what happens if you don't see it coming?" Her back was pressed tightly to his body and she could feel each breath he took. His low voice was hot in her ear and sent a tingle down her spine. He dragged a finger across her neck and continued softly, "That's all it would take. Even less if he uses alchemy." Just being this close to him, his voice in her ear and his scent on his clothes was overwhelming. Riza became acutely aware of just how closely his body was pressed against hers. His grip relaxed slightly and Riza took advantage of it, grabbing his arm, twisting out of his grip and putting the weapon back against his head.

"I'll keep it in mind, sir." Her voice could have caused frostbite.

He paused before replying softly. "See that you do, lieutenant." She lowered the weapon. The bag that had been dropped during their struggle was retrieved while he straightened out his disguise. He pulled on the wig and slipped into his shoes before leaning against the wall next to the door.

"Thank you for dinner, sir."

"Would you please think about it?"

She shook her head no. "I'm sorry, but I won't. Good night sir."

"Good night Riza." He stood and studied her face for a moment before turning and closing the door behind him.

With a heavy sigh, she leaned back against the wall and slid down until she was sitting on the floor just staring at the closed door across from her. She closed her eyes and rested her elbows on her knees with her head in her hands. And she let the tears come.

She'd failed. Nothing that could be done now would help that terrible ache in the pit of her stomach disappear. Black Hayate bumped her arm with his muzzle and whimpered. She moved her legs so he could put his head on her lap where she could rub his ears and stroke his fur, the familiar motions soothing her crying heart.

To be continued…

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as you've noticed, this fic isn't complete. i have an ending, i just don't like it. so i'm going to keep working on it until i like it. reviews would really help motivate me (wink wink, nudge nudge) and hopefully i can post an ending soon. 


	2. Chapter 2

i'm going to go ahead and post this chapter, but please be warned, i may need to go back and edit it so the last chapter works. if I do i'll put a note at the beginning of the next chapter.

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Roy slid behind the wheel of the car, closed the door and rested his head on the steering wheel. The whole drive over this evening, he had been almost giddy; just the thought of seeing Riza had brightened his long, lonely, miserable day. He knew the whole reason for his visit was to her to ask her to leave, but he had pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind, attempting to ignore the possible reactions she may have. There was always the potential for getting shot for even asking, but he didn't care as long as she was safe. 

Throughout the day, he had been attempting to work on the reports and other paperwork that had really started piling up in his office. And it was an I-can-no-longer-even-find-my-desk sort of pile. It wasn't that he didn't spend the days reading and approving all those papers, they were just coming faster than he could work. When Riza was his aide, she had often voluntarily stayed late helping him with his work but King Bradley had reprimanded her when she had tried to continue assisting him after her transfer. Bradley also denied Roy's request for the transfer of new subordinates pending a 'structural review of the alchemist division of the military'. It merely forced Roy to realize how far away she was.

She was unlike any other woman. None of his smooth excuses ever worked with her, she could see through his every action. She knew him; she knew what he'd done in Ishbal because she had watched over him, providing him with the long range protection of a sniper. A brother in arms, so to speak. She had seen him at the best and worst of times and stood by him through it all, unfazed and confident in their goal. He had been her father's student and later, the brother she'd never had. And to his despair, he was sure that was all she could see him as - a brother. After all, who would follow a man through a war without receiving any emotional encouragement? A person would only do that for family, and he knew he was the closest thing she had to one anymore and the last link to her father. If he could only see what he felt for her shining through in her eyes, he would be happy. But no matter how much he wished for a return of his emotions, his feelings and desires didn't count in this; it was for her safety that she should leave. As much as he would miss her, he needed to know she was safe. It would be difficult not seeing her around the building but if she were to die his life would be unbearable.

Why wouldn't she listen to him? He was still an officer… although not her commanding officer, so technically, she didn't have to take that sort of order from him.

He was just so afraid of losing her. If she were to die because of his aspirations for power, what point would there be in his life? His closest friends all lost as casualties to his success. He couldn't see being Führer if she wouldn't be there by his side, advising and protecting him. Even if he wasn't the one chosen to hold that office, he couldn't imagine life without her. While she was under King Bradley's direct command he would unintentionally hesitate before every move he made, too afraid of the consequences that could be inflicted on her.

What would it take to make her leave?

Asking didn't work. The chance of arguing with her and winning was rather slim. She had already made up her mind so talking her into it couldn't be the best option.

Kidnapping. It could work, but what to do with her once he'd kidnapped her… a smirk crossed his face. Well, actually there were a great number of things he would like to do with her, assuming she was unarmed… and just thinking of her tied up was- No, damn it, that wasn't the point. Kidnapping wasn't an option unless he wanted to get shot.

Faking her death. Pulling the same stunt he did with Ross would be too obvious. Besides, he hated the smell of burnt flesh. Forcing Riza to do anything she didn't want would be next to impossible so it would require her cooperation and he was fairly sure she wasn't in a cooperating mood.

There was one last option but it posed a difficult question that he had pushed aside for quite a while now. Why did she follow him? It could have had something to do with him being her father's student. But if that was the only reason, it wouldn't explain following him through Ishbal and supporting him since then. Could there be another reason? Or was he just reading too much into it? Perhaps he could profess his undying love for her and she would run away of her own accord he thought wryly.

If he pushed her away, would she follow suit? He'd already told her she was holding him back, could he push that farther? Would he be able to push that further? Just remembering the pain in her eyes and how pale her face had became when he said she was a liability was shear agony. If he hurt her more, told her he never wanted to see her again, that she was too weak to protect him would she get angry enough to leave? It was more likely she would shoot him. Too many of these ideas ended in him being shot. For a man with a talent strategic planning, why was he having so much trouble with this?

His hand smacked the steering wheel. Damn it, he wasn't going to loose this without a fight. He was willing do whatever it takes to make her leave, even if she didn't want to.

Slamming the car door behind him, he walked back up the flight of stairs and opened Riza's door.

* * *

When she heard the sound of her door handle being turned, her hand automatically reached for her sidearm and she swore aloud when she remembered she had taken the holster off in the kitchen and set her spare weapon on the side table in the living room. She reached for her second spare when Roy, in his dress and heels, strode through the door, closing it quietly behind himself. Her hand dropped uselessly to her side and this time she didn't even crack a smile seeing him in his disguise. Seeing her on the floor, he settled himself next to her. One hand reached out to turn her face to look at him. With a sigh, he brushed a tear from her cheek. His heart sunk just looking at her red-rimmed eyes. He hadn't realized he hurt her enough for her to cry. All his well thought out conclusions created in the car fled from his mind. 

"I won't give up that easily. Riza, I can't lose you. I… I lost Hughes and I can't – no, I _won't_ lose you. I want you to be somewhere safe." The expression in his black eyes was so intense she felt her face starting to flush. Was it possible his feelings for her ran deeper than she'd thought? The raw emotions behind his words surprised her but the brush of his lips on hers surprised her even more. Startled, she tried to pull back but her head bumped against the wall. Hayate sat up and whimpered, unable to decide if the man who had been slipping him food all evening had good or bad intentions toward his mistress. When Riza didn't make a move to push the man away Hayate gave a quiet whine and retreated to the living room, lying down where he could still keep an eye on the man.

Occasionally, and with a greater frequency since her transfer, Riza's thoughts of him had strayed to this sort of scenario, wondering how his lips and body would feel against hers, his arms holding her tightly to his body, but she'd long given up the hope of it ever happening. After the battle with Lust, Roy couldn't help but know how much she loved him yet nothing had changed between them. To her, it was painfully obviously that he just didn't return her feelings. Besides, she had seen the women he dated, beautiful and bubbly without a thought in their empty little heads. She wasn't exactly jealous of them – perhaps slightly envious would describe it better, but not enough to actually do something other than watch from the sidelines.

The soft warm skin of his hand caressed her cheek softly, sliding down under her chin to tilt her face up toward his. Slipping an arm behind her, he pulled her body to his and his tongue flicked cautiously over her lips, begging entry to the moist cavern of her mouth. She complied, her lips parting hesitantly to allow his tongue into her mouth to gently stroke her own. A plaintive little moan came from her throat when she felt the pleasurable sensation of liquid heat flowing from her belly through the rest of her body.

The hand under her chin pushed her jaw further up toward the ceiling, displaying an expanse of creamy skin just waiting for his mouth. She drew a sharp breath and moaned his name. Hearing her voice say it sent a pleased smirk to his lips and a rush of heat to his groin. His lips nuzzled the delicate skin, enjoying the faint trace of perfume from behind her ear left from what she applied that morning. The familiar scent he'd been recently deprived of only aroused him more.

"Please Riza, please just leave" he whispered softly in her ear, his hot breath sending a shiver down her spine.

"No!" With a shove, she pushed Roy away, giving her room to stand up. Hayate grumbled and rose to his feet, no longer certain the man was a friend. Riza stalked into the living room and stood before the window. When she spoke, the hurt tone in her voice tormented him. "You're just doing this so I'll agree to leave. You'll do whatever it takes to get me to go away, won't you? Including playing on my weaknesses." She squeezed her eyes closed and hung her head, tears threatening to start again. "How could I let you kiss me? I should have known better." she whispered bitterly. The pain in her chest was agonizing, even worse than when he'd asked her to leave. To turn around and look at him took more courage than she possessed so she stayed by the window. She just didn't want to see the amused expression on his face when he realized she thought the kiss might have meant more to her than he'd intended.

Frowning, Roy rose and followed her. He dropped the wig and kicked off the shoes before grabbing her by the elbow and turning her to face him. Hayate growled softly and Roy took a step back. With a sigh, he motioned for her to sit on the couch again. He was about to sit next to her until Hayate growled again so he wisely chose to sit on the chair beside the couch.

"That's not why, Riza. Yes I want you to leave, but I would never stoop so low as to kiss you so you would. I kissed you because I wanted to." With a soft whisper he continued, the desire clear and strong. "Oh, god, how long I've wanted to…" a hand rose to again caress her cheek. His eyes concentrated on her lips, dark and full from the forceful kiss only minutes before. His thumb gently ran along her lower lip and her breath quickened.

She looked doubtful, the threat of tears still welling in her eyes. "Roy, what am I to you?" Hurt stained her voice and she pulled away, as if his mere touch pained her. "How do you see me?"

His gaze shifted to her troubled eyes, red rimmed from the tears he had caused. Knowing he was the reason she was so miserable tore at his heart more than he'd ever thought possible. Leave it to him to find a way to hurt her as no weapon ever could, he thought morosely. He reached over and took her hand, gently grasping it in his so a thumb could stroke the back of it. "You're everything, Riza. You're my best and most loyal friend, not to mention the most beautiful woman I've ever known. You held the key to my alchemy and since Ishbal, you've been my strength. I can't count how many times you've saved my life, covered my ass or just reeled me in when I went too far." He paused and looked down to study the delicate hand held in his. "It wasn't until you were gone that I realized just how much I need you. I used to see you everyday and now that I don't, you're all I can think about. I miss that little smile you make when you think no one else is looking and the scent of oil when you'd clean your guns at your desk. …and I forgot just how beautiful you look in regular clothes. I miss you Riza."

She couldn't hide the pleased smile his words brought to her lips. But if she really was that important to him, why was he doing this to her? She couldn't help but think he was just saying these things, kissing her, holding her so she would do whatever he asked her to. Was it even possible he could return her feelings? If he did, why did he insist on hurting her like this? "Then why do you want me to leave?" She whispered, struggling to keep the tears from starting again.

"Because if something were to happen to you, I couldn't live with myself. It's hard enough knowing Maes died because I couldn't protect him and Havoc lost the use of his legs because I couldn't kill that homunculus fast enough but losing you would be too much. When you work for him in his office, he controls my actions with your life. I can't act freely when the woman I…" his voice faltered but he continued. "When the woman I love has a knife at her throat. The best way to keep you safe is for you to leave the military and disappear." Damn it, he swore at himself. Yet another thing he screwed up. What possessed him to say that?

Her eyes widened. Although she didn't hear the end of his sentence, she didn't need to; it would have been another request for her to leave. He loved her? She searched his face again, praying it wasn't a ploy just to make her leave. She wasn't sure her heart could survive that. When she looked into his face, searching his features for lies, she only saw sincerity.

She had followed him for years. At first it was only to watch what he did with the array she'd given him, afraid she had made a mistake and her father's fears had been realized. The first time she saw what he could do in Ishbal, she'd actually held him in the sights of her gun but couldn't force herself to pull the trigger. The sheer agony and fear she saw in his face stopped her. Once it became obvious this was more of a civilian massacre orchestrated by the military than it was an uprising, she knew he wasn't fully responsible for his actions. By the end of the war, his guilt was all consuming and he nearly destroyed himself from the inside, prevented only by the efforts of his friends. But then he'd found his goal. His desire to become Führer and prevent anything like that from happening again gave him a reason to live. And as long as he stayed on that path, she wouldn't have to find a way to stop him.

It had only been the past few years that she'd started to think of him as more than a friend. He was the strangest combination of a master tactician, a confidence man an unstable child - all needing her protection. And it wasn't until the night Havoc was injured, the moment she thought he was gone, that she truly realized how much he meant to her.

When news of the transfers first came, she had momentarily considered resigning and attempting to help from outside the military. Then she realized outside the military she was of little use to her colonel, but if she accepted the transfer she could keep watch for anything of use that might come through King Bradley's office. She could also observe his activities. But she knew even as she had first thought it that her real reason would be to prevent anyone else from being placed in her position – that of a hostage. Now she only had to convince Roy.

"I can't leave. Could you picture me anywhere but in the military? I don't think a clerk at the grocery store is allowed to carry a weapon." She smiled softly hoping her small joke would lighten the tension in the room.

He smirked at the thought. Riza could solve any shoplifting problems with just a single look much less wielding her guns. She really was a military person at heart. She fit so well into the bureaucracy; she understood it and organized as her mind was, easily complied with the paperwork and regulations, not to mention her natural skill with guns. Riza had become the perfect soldier. He knew it had to have been to watch him, make sure she knew what he did with the array she had shown him. The smirk disappeared from his face, his expression changing to one of guilt. Except he had failed her, allowing her to be taken away by that… that creature.

"I can't protect you in his office. Not only did I promise your father I'd look out for you, I promised myself I would protect the people under me. And I'll do it no matter what it takes. Even if it means forcing you to leave." He whispered harshly. His eyes shone with a determination only Riza would dare to argue with.

"I don't want to be the reason you don't achieve your goal but he would only replace me with someone else. You said you'd protect your subordinates whenever possible - it's just not possible this time."

"But it is if you would just leave the military. You'd be _safe_ then."

Her voice became more forceful. "There _is_ nowhere _safe_ anymore, especially if I leave the military. I know what King Bradley is. If I run, who's to say a homunculus won't be sent to kill me while I sleep. And if I'm not in the military, who would know if were to just disappear. It would be extremely easy to capture me without public knowledge and still use me as a hostage, just hold me under less favorable conditions. And if I leave, someone else could be transferred to his office. It's best if I stay. I may not be of much use to you but it will prevent you from having someone else who is useful in your plans getting stuck in my place."

"I want you away from that homunculus." He said like a sulky child.

"I won't leave now, but I can always disappear at a later time. For now, make Bradley think you are completely under his thumb. Concoct an easily discovered plan to hide your real work so when he finds the fake he'll spend his time and effort preventing a dummy scheme. At the same time, we can make actual contingency plans so I can disappear if necessary. And we can do the same for Ed and Winry. Think about it, if either of us disappears now, Bradley will only find other hostages. You need to forget emotions and look at the situation more logically."

"Forget emotions, huh? Is that the way you looked at things when Lust told you she'd killed me?" The minute the words were out of his mouth he regretted them.

She took a sharply indrawn breath, her spine stiffened and she pulled her hands back as if burned. She was silent for a moment before speaking softly. "And you gave me quite the dressing-down for showing such emotions instead of acting logically."

"You exposed yourself to shoot at a woman impervious to bullets! If Alphonse hadn't been there, you'd be dead." His mouth was now running without any constraint, saying what he felt before running the idea past his brain.

"It didn't matter to me; I thought I lost you. Why would I want to live when you had died?" She stood up and turned away from him to look out the window again, arms crossed in front of her body. It was dark outside with only the streetlights to brighten portions of the road. The sky had started to drizzle, not quite rain but heavy enough to be annoying.

Roy was silent, unsure of what to say. Could he ask her to say his death wouldn't have mattered that much to her? Was it really what he wanted to hear?

She took a deep breath before continuing softly. "So many people have been taken away from me. The thought of losing you, the man I swore to protect and the man I love, the man who's my whole reason for living, scared me. I thought I'd failed and what would happen to me after you were gone was trivial."

The thoughts running thru his head were overwhelming, sending his heart soaring yet opening a hole in his gut. She said she loved him. A part of him had been hoping he'd misread her reaction that night, hoping she wouldn't be so careless with her own life if she lost him. But what did he expect after telling her he loved her? The same part of him hoped she would tell him she didn't feel the same way so maybe he could stop obsessing over her. He'd tried convincing himself when she had broken down that night that she would have reacted the same way if she had lost any close family members. With all the things he'd done and the people he killed, he didn't deserve happiness with her. He hadn't survived all that to enjoy his life; he stayed alive to redeem himself for his actions in Ishbal.

Or was it possible? If she felt the same for him, would a little bit of happiness with her be too much to hope for? That cruel sliver of hope tormented him, dangling a happy future before him.

"You were reckless, allowing her to bait you like that." His tone was rather gruff, leading her to think he was angry again, like when he was in the hospital. She was staring so hard at the street light she hadn't realized he had come to stand behind her and when she turned to face him, his arms caught her around the waist holding her in a close embrace. Saddened eyes stared back at her. She lowered her head to rest against his chest and inhaled his wonderful scent.

"I know it was stupid sir, but she took away my purpose. I have been your protector for years now. I have and will continue to put my life on the line for you."

"And if I don't want you to?"

"It's not your choice."

"But why? Why do you follow me? Why do any of you follow me? After all I've done and the people I've killed… all the friends and subordinates that have died for my goal, why do you continue to support me?"

Riza looked up at him, shaking her head slightly, rather annoyed at his tendency to torture himself with his past. "Because we trust you. I was there and I killed too; it's the responsibility we accepted by becoming soldiers." She didn't notice his wince when she said she had killed. "As a sniper armed with a telescopic sight, I saw each of my victims die and each and every face is engraved into my memory. I saw what was done to those civilians and what you were forced to do to them. I follow you because you are trying to change things for the better. I've seen first hand what the military will do with a homunculus in charge. Human lives mean nothing to those who want a philosopher's stone. But you're not like that."

"Following me would be considered treason. You know the punishment for treason is death…" He stated looked down at her with the frown still on his face.

"We all know and are willing to take the chance. I know I would rather be killed myself than be a part of a bloodbath like that again."

"And I'm not going to stand by and watch the person I care about most die so you need to leave."

"You are worse than Hayate chewing on a bone." She grumbled pulling a way. "You just won't give up! How many times do I have to say I'm not leaving before you get the point?! If it's a battle of wills, I'll win. I can be more stubborn than you."

He cracked a small smile. "I don't doubt it." He bent down to capture her lips with his, licking the seam of her lips and savoring the taste of the wine from dinner. Not meeting much resistance, his eager tongue forced his way into her mouth but her tongue brushed his aside. Biting his lower lip she pulled back drawing his lip with her. Once released his lip, she spoke. "You're trying to distract me..."

"Is it working?"

"No. I'm staying."

"What if I make it an order?"

"You're not my commanding officer."

"No, but I'm still a superior officer."

With a smile, she looked down at his clothing. "Yes, but you're not in uniform."

"That doesn't matter."

"I've got to tell you, it's really difficult to take orders from a man in a dress."

He silenced her comments with another kiss, pressing her soft lips with his. She first responded rather timidly, quickly becoming harder and more forceful. This time it was her tongue flicking at his lips, begging for entry. For a moment he refused to respond to her invitation, teasing her, but soon his lips parted enough for his tongue to slip through, allowing his to meet hers. A hand rose to stroke her hair and he enjoyed the sensation of the soft silky strands running thru his fingers. Perhaps he could convince her to leave it loose more often.

Riza's head was spinning and she quickly forgot what they'd been arguing about moments before. She also forgot about everything other than the places his body touched hers. The kiss was broken only by a need for air and quickly started again with a searing heat Riza had never before felt. It was then Riza noticed his roaming hands had moved from her low back, to her sides, and finally down to her butt. He squeezed tightly and her body tensed, her tongue diving further into his mouth with a soft moan.

Her hands reached for the buttons on his clothes. She pulled back and smiled, "I've never kissed anyone who's wearing a dress before."

His hands rapidly unfastened the cloth. "If it bothers you, then let's get rid of the dress. You know, for a dress, it's not too bad."

"It's hideous, sir. I've never seen such an ugly dress. Was the person you borrowed it from blind by any chance?"

"Come to think of it, the last person who wore it did wear some rather thick glasses. But no, I meant comfort-wise."

"Have you worn many dresses to compare it with?" Riza asked warily and his eyes glanced away. "Please tell me you tried on another one just for this ruse and decided that this one is more comfortable..."

"No, but if it makes it any better, alcohol was involved… as was Hughes, a monetary bet and an inflatable-"

She cut him off with a hand over his mouth. "No. I don't want to hear a single word about you and Hughes and anything inflatable."

He removed her hand, settling it down on his hip. "Are you sure you don't want to hear about it? The mental picture will follow you around for days." His familiar smirk was back.

"I'll pass. I think you in a dress will linger just as long." It was her turn to smirk as her hands came across his bra. "I never pictured you as a white lace kind of guy." Her fingers reached for the front hook on the bra. "And if you're wearing stockings I'm going to have to find a camera."

"Well, I certainly wasn't going to shave my legs for this charade."

"So you are wearing stockings, aren't you?" Riza grinned in surprised.

"Don't bother with the camera, I'll melt it before you can use it."

"What did you use for the boobs?" She asked poking the breasts.

"Silicone," he said and pulled out one of the breast-shaped forms. "Don't they look real?"

"I can't believe the military trusts you with alchemy..."

He smirked, "Not just the military, you did too."

She sighed and slipped past him. In the hall, she turned to look at him with mischievous eyes. "Aren't you coming?" She asked.

For half a moment he watched her walk away, admiring the view from the back. This beautiful woman wanted him like he wanted her, he marveled. Even knowing everything he'd done. She wasn't one of those women who only wanted a good-looking man on her arm or a war hero known for his amazing alchemic ability. Riza was the one woman who could want him knowing the truth about his past and would still continue to stand by him through everything.

A pleased smirk crossed his face and he followed her down the hall.

* * *

well, i sure beat that to death, didn't i? no the argument isn't over, it just got temporarily interrupted and will finish in the next chapter. and sorry about the inflatable novelty reference (just so you know, it would have been a sheep) i just couldn't help putting it in. i actually found and gave one of those a friend - as a joke… of course, what he actually did with it, i never want to find out. 

and, if you didn't catch it or i didn't make it obvious enough, the dress was borrowed from general grumman's for his disguise.

and tell me what you think – no flames please!!


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